Haunted by Thoughts of What Should Have long Been Forgotten 16years Ago. The Aftermath of Rape

I am a 24 year old female from a small town called Centane in the Eastern Cape. I come from a family of 12 children where my mother never got a chance to go and work because she had dozen kids to look after. My father was the only one working but retired in the early 2000s .

After my father's retirement things were not easy so they had to send some of us to their relatives to live with. I was one of those sent away in 2001. I was 8years at that time. Things were great until one of my male cousins decided otherwise. He was a grown up man who went to the initiation school at that time. When he got back from initiation school, he became a different person – he raped me. Not ones, not twice many times telling me not to tell anyone because he is doing the right thing. He told me that I have to go through this to become a woman.  He would sometimes give me R5 to keep my mouth shut. As a child I didn’t even know what was happening – I didn’t even know it was called rape. I knew nothing about rape. So, I did everything thing he said I should do and I never told anyone as he’d warned me. As time went on, I had to move again to stay with another relative and that’s how I got to escape continual rape.

Now, I was free from him – so I thought. I didn’t really experience anything different, guess I was in denial but when I became a teenager. Everything came back to haunt me. Things started to make sense to me. I knew I wasn't a virgin anymore. I knew someone decided to take that away from me a long time ago. I internalize everything. I just wanted to get rid of the thoughts and whispers in my mind. At times, I wondered, did he rape my mind too? Why can’t I forget? I ended up not caring about life or who I was sleeping with. I even ended up sleeping with guys I knew I didn't love but I lied to them.

Irrespective of the war, rage and tumult that was going on inside me, I was still doing very well in school - passing with bright colors. I really don’t know how it happened but I was a bright student and so no one could really suspect anything was wrong with me. At age 18yrs, I was in my matric year looking forward to having my matric but I fell pregnant. I didn’t drop out anyway but carried on and passed my matric with a B and 2 distinctions.

Matric was a victory and I could smell varsity at last. I was happy…but reality came back rushing like a flood after I gave birth to my child. I send the child home to my parents so I could continue my studies but I still felt like my whole life was falling apart and actually it was. The effects and aftermath of rape are real. I ended up staying in my room not going to classes. The silent but haunting wounds of rape once again took a toll on me.  I hated the whole world for not saving me from that monster cousin of mine who repeated raped me. I was young and helpless. I had no idea what was happening at the time but more than 15 years later and the wounds are far from healing. It feels like my life was stolen from me.  

I dropped out of University that year as I wasn’t coping. I went back again in 2014 but it was still the same story I wasn't coping. I was too afraid to talk about the rape to anyone. Till date no one knows about this in my family.  I hated anything that's got to do with such a topic. I dropped out of university again and lied at home it was due to NSFAS irregularities and everyone at home believed me. Then I left home to look for a job in the Western Cape and thankfully I got a job there.

In Western Cape I met a guy and we were dating for about a year. We decided to move in together and I one point I decided to tell him about my whole life story from the first day my so called cousin decided to take away my childhood innocence. Little did I know I was giving him ammunition to use against me. As the time went on, things got bad – he slowly became abusive verbally. He would swear at me every time we're having a misunderstanding he would say things like "ayongxaki yam uba – you got raped suzokhuphela imisindo yakho kum and you deserved everything he did to you”. He was constantly ripping the wounds right open. The abuse became physical and he’d beat me up merciless. I left him and tried opening a protection order against him which was never successful because he was well connected. I managed to stay as far away from where he was staying as I can.

I told myself I need to put myself together because I didn't ask my cousin to rape me. I told myself I am not going to look down on myself as if I am a useless person in life. I needed to fix my life and I’m making progress. I am currently back at university. I am aware I am not fully healed. I should be over the rape but I am not. It still haunts me. There’s a long road ahead but one I am willing to travel. I get very emotional everytime I read stories about rape. I’ve finally found the courage to tell my story and I do hope after writing my own story that am going to be much stronger to face the world. I am not a failure and I am going to conquer this.

I am the girl who is haunted by thoughts of what should have long been forgotten 16years Ago....

Thank you for reading my story.

The name of the girl in the story is not disclose because I am protecting her.

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I am Nicky Verd, a Prolific Writer, Blogger and Transformational Speaker. I am passionate about inspiring you to Take Ownership of Your Life. Reconnect with your dreams and jump-start your personal transformation. 


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